Friendship anxiety: How to deal with feeling like you’ve not made ‘enough’ friends at uni.

Posted on by healthyntu8

By Izzi Meynell, 2nd year Creative Writing NTU Student

I was worried that, when I started university, I would have no friends. You hear so many stories about isolation when it comes to living off-campus in your first year, almost as many as you hear about the joys of living on-campus. Obsessively reading threads on The Student Room, trying to figure things out before you have stepped foot in your first lecture, that was how I spent my summer. And summers before that, really.

You wonder if you have made a terrible mistake, but then you find a thread that talks about all the noise in halls and feel a little better about your situation. The long commutes in taxis give you time to think about the day, create a separation between studying and slouching around. After years at an online school, I quite like the distinction. When your life is changing so dramatically, sometimes it helps to have an anchor.

I should confess I did not go out during fresher’s week. I went home, sorted my notes, and fell asleep. Riveting, I know. But that was the right decision for me, just as staying at home was. That is what university feels like, at first. A bunch of decisions, teaching you where your limits are and what you do or do not want to do after your work is done.

In retrospect, I can say with certainty that friendship anxiety is normal, especially if you are a part of the growing number of students deciding to stay at home during your first year. Staying at home does not mean you will not have a social life. If anything, I would argue it forces you to develop a different connection with your course mates. After years of lockdowns, it changes your approach to home as well.

Before my very first lecture, I travelled to campus early. Four or five hours early, in fact, as I hunkered down in the library. It was six parts ‘desire to find a nice place to work’ and half a dozen the fear that I would be late for my lecture if I did not go in hours early. A big part of it was unlearning the rigidity of secondary school timetables, adjusting to all the time I seemed to have.

(You do not need to fill it with ‘just’ coursework, either. Getting involved with the student union, or signing up as a course rep, can be great ways to meet students from outside your course and find your people.)

In the end, I went in every Monday. Hours before my lecture, mostly filled with reading and my internship, though I was always happy to study with other students if they needed it. Come semester two, I had no lectures on Mondays but kept coming in. I went from studying alone, to studying with a friend, though studying soon changed into chatting away and judging each other’s taste in crisps.

I treasure those Mondays. Whether they were spent frantically attempting to show people where the information they needed was or filled with conversations about things that only make sense if you are a Creative Writing student.

Eventually – after we had all submitted our first assignments – I went out for drinks, stayed over with a friend, and watched awful films just for fun. If I can find a friend willing to endure scarily bad horror films, anybody can do it. We ordered food, I made terrible jokes, and I felt giddy.

And the next day, I went to bed at home. I recharged. But I made sure to send pictures of the cat because, often, pets are the best ways to make connections.

Going home at the end of the day does not impact my friendships as much as I thought. If anything, I would argue it made them stronger. I have my own space to recharge, yes, but I also know that whenever I am on campus, there will be someone there to chat with. If I must cover my ears because somebody is yelling at a video game all night, I can rest assured that the next day will be a blissful sleep.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder; I suppose. Our little groups have grew as the academic year went on, as we have found our footing. Early on, you may roll from friend to friend, but that is normal. So is the anxiety that grows over the summer. I will not tell you to ignore it or convince you that it is silly.

I will tell you that it is good to acknowledge it. You can doomscroll as many threads on The Student Room as you like, but when the year starts, you will find yourself surrounded by students that are just as worried as you are. And the best part of that is the fact that all of you are studying the same course, going through the same big changes together.

(Honestly, if you get stuck, bring up a pet. Nothing makes friends faster than pictures of an adorable furry friend; everybody loves to talk about the ones at home, so you will find yourself taking plenty of pictures to share with people.)

For help, advice and resources whilst studying at NTU, take a look at the following for sources of support

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