By Leah Wareham, Student Health and Wellbeing Project Officer at NTU & NTU Alumni

Content warning: mentions of grief, suicidality and medical terminology

In July 2022 I went through one of the most traumatic things I have ever had to deal with. I lost my dad, not physically, he survived what happened to him but I lost the dad I knew, needed and loved. He suffered a life changing, life threatening stroke which resulted in a long stay in the ICU.

I’m sharing my story in the hope that anyone who has been through a life changing event and is struggling with grief hopefully feels less alone, because grief and trauma can be very lonely place.

Blocking it out to cope

When it first happened I was living in a bubble. Looking back I think I was numb and dissociated through a lot of that time in order to cope with what was going on. The shock of it all. A month turned into two months then three months of hours and hours sitting by his side in the ICU. As a family we had to deal with traumatic conversations with the ICU consultants throughout that time, conversations I don’t think I will ever forget. I had to take time off work, I didn’t see my friends and my entire existence was wake up, go to the hospital, come home, fall asleep watching something vaguely comforting on TV. I couldn’t emotionally and physically do anything else at this time.

Then when things started to stabilise with Dad I started to introduce a bit of normality back into my life, seeing my friends, starting to phase back into work. I felt like I was coping okay, I had really low days but for the most part with the support of my family and friends I was getting by. By December 2022 I was starting to dip and I think everything was just starting to sink in. The fact that I’d lost the dad I knew was starting to hit me. Christmas went by, a time of year I once loved now something I dread and really struggle with. As with most families Dad played a big role in Christmas Day. He cooked the dinner and we had our rituals and traditions. That was all now gone, and although I had already really struggled with him not being there, I started to felt the absence of dad really heavily. Christmas can be a difficult time of year for those going through any sort of life changing event and or grief, just remember you are not alone. Although it may seem like everyone is having a great time on social media, many people don’t find the holiday season an easy time of year. Many great mental health charities share tips on how to cope around Christmas, but the main thing to remember is look after yourself and set boundaries. It’s okay to say no to something you are not comfortable or strong enough to do.

Reality starting to hit

July 2023, a year after everything had happened, everything caught up with me big time. I couldn’t cope anymore and I completely broke down. I had reached a crisis point. It was the lowest I’ve ever felt in my life, even though I have previously had periods of really struggling with suicidal thoughts. A whole year after trying to plough through, be there for dad, mum and my brother and trying to have hope of some improvement with dad just completely came to a head all at once. The realisation that a whole year had gone by without him and the realisation that his neurological progress had slowed hit me big time. I couldn’t think, eat or function. The grief and loss of what my life once was, the things I once knew and loved, the dad I once had now all gone. The magnitude of what had happened over the past year hit really hard. I think I was just pushing away the inevitable and one day my brain would catch up and process everything all at once. All I could think about was everything we had lost.

I miss talking to him, cooking with him, watching our favourite TV programmes together, the everyday simple moments. The realisation that I was never going to get these moments with him again was impossible to cope with at that time.

Things that helped me when grief finally caught up with me:

• Stop trying to fight it, at this point you’ve probably been blocking out the trauma of what you’ve been through. It’s okay to not be okay, you’ve been through a really hard time and you need to give yourself time to process what you’ve been through
• Don’t feel pressured by people saying things like ‘it’s been x amount of time, you should be fine by now’. Grief. is. not. linear. I cannot stress this enough. Living with and going through grief is completely unique and personal to you and everyone will deal with it differently. One thing I found really helpful was a video I saw on Instagram about how we don’t learn to cope with it, we learn to grow with it, and sometimes grief grows bigger and it consumes more of us and then it shrinks back. I’m trying to not worry about other people’s expectations of a certain timestamp being when you should be ‘more okay’. It’s hard because a lot of the time people mean well but it’s not always helpful to hear things like ‘times a healer’ or ‘you just need to learn to deal with it and cope’. Actually no you don’t, what you need to do is be easier on yourself. The hard fact is, you’re different now, life is different now and you won’t be the same again. You’re learning to find the new you, your new life and it’s really, really hard.
• Accept the help around you. Something that got me through was my best friend forcing me to try and get out the house. I was really reluctant because I was in such a dark place, but in the end it really, really helped. She helped me to see the beauty in life again. My manager at work was (and still is) super supportive, something that I am endlessly grateful for. Knowing that the support would be in place, checking in on me and not feeling pressure to rush back into something when I wasn’t ready.
• Try to tell yourself it will get better. At the time I thought my thoughts and headspace would never change. I thought I was trapped and would never get better. This is your brain telling you lies. Life changes constantly, things never stay the same. That’s a scary fact about life but it’s also something to hold onto when you’re in a dark place. You will come out the other side, things will get a little easier and you will be okay. Yes, you might have super low days again and you might dip back into that place but you’ll also have beautiful days that make being around so, so worth it.
• When you hit rock bottom doing even the simplest things can feel impossible. I tried really hard before it all hit me to stop myself from getting to that point. I did all the self-care things, spoke to friends etc. but it all caught up with me eventually. For me stripping everything back to the basics and just trying to get myself out of a crisis point was the only thing I could do in those first few weeks.

Coping day to day

I’m now starting to accept that what has happened to me has fundamentally changed who I am, and that’s okay. I’ve lost a massive part of my life and through that I’ve also been through a lot of really difficult things. I see things differently now, on the one hand it’s a good thing because I feel as though I don’t want to take anything for granted and I’ve been forced to see what’s really important to me in life. On the other hand I’m constantly aware of how fragile everything is and how things can change in just one phone call. I feel like I’m always on high alert that I’m going to lose someone else or that something awful will happen.

Coping with grief day to day is difficult. On some days I genuinely feel so happy and grateful for life, but then guilt kicks in. On other days I feel completely winded by grief and find it so hard to concentrate or function on normal daily things. On these days I feel like I could burst out crying at any moment and I just miss my dad so much.

One of the hardest parts of the whole process is the world moves on, when you want everything to just stop. It feels like a punch in the gut whenever I realise how much has changed since it all happened. Even just small daft things like the layout of Tesco changing so it’s no longer how he would remember or big moments like moving house and Dad not being there to see my new place.

It’s really hard when you feel that the people around you expect you to be a bit more okay now that more time has passed. It’s really difficult because you’re through the initial shock but now you’re left trying to piece your life back together after it feels like it’s been blown apart. I’m still coping with the fact I won’t ever get my ‘dad’ back and I don’t think I will ever be over that.

I think after a certain amount of time passes sometimes others can’t understand why you can’t just ‘learn to cope and live with it’. They don’t really get it, and it’s good that they can’t understand what you’re going through but it sure does make for a lonely place to be sometimes.

Nothing prepares you for losing a parent (either through death or life changing illness or accident) when you’re still young.

I know I’ll always been learning how to cope with what has happened and I’m sure I’ll learn new things even after writing this, but so far here is what helps me when I’m having a really bad ‘grief day’:

• Don’t push it away, accept how you’re feeling. I’ve found the more I try and push it away the worse it becomes
• Talk to friends and family
• Do something comforting and soothing (for me that’s replaying Friends or watching Gilmore Girls)
• Let yourself cry, it’s really cathartic
• Hug your mates! If you’re a big hugger like me!
• If it’s super bad if you can take the day to look after yourself – sometimes I can try really hard to not let it consume me but sometimes nothing works – it’s okay to not be okay.

For help, advice and resources whilst studying at NTU, take a look at the following for sources of support.

Grief resources
Support from NTU
Self-Care books in NTU’s libraries
Silvercloud: SilverCloud is our online system designed to help with a range of mental health issues.
Health and Wellbeing resources
NTSU Information and Advice service
Wellness in Mind: Advice and support for anyone in Nottingham experiencing issues with their mental wellbeing
Student Minds or Student Space
10 Keys to happiness
Mind
Papyrus
CALM